You’ve been wondering if that “cheers!” is a sign of aggression.

about to throw out a majorly controversial “peace” at the end of this email.


You went to one yoga class and spent the entire time in child’s pose. You’re writing a ukulele song about the toe-hole you’ve worn through your TOMs.


You also write “colour” and talk about “organising your flat.” You have mistaken your porkpie hat for a personality.


You are a bored school-aged ox writing backwards in the window fog of your school bus so your friends on the sidewalk can see but you’re only 5, you just know how to spell the one word


You are a lifelong nun emailing a non-nun but your only frame of reference for relationships is nun stuff


Your cat just walked across your keyboard.


You are my 6-year-old nephew sending me a birthday card.

“Sent from my Zune”

What are you doing, how are you doing this

“Until we meet again”

Cool, the guy in the trenchcoat you ran into in the used bookstore who cornered you about Ayn Rand found your email somehow, cool cool cool

“How to send email from Google”

Your mom is struggling


More like KONY 2018.


You are testing this one out, knowing that normally my friends would make fun of you for it, but that they’re all still pretty raw from seeing Call Me By Your Name, so they may let this slide

“Hope that helps!”

Stop emailing me.

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